It would appear that there is a sexual renaissance occurring in this country, and unlike how clandestine behavior of the past was kept a guarded secret; those taking part in progressive lifestyles today are often acting in open defiance of convention. Couples seeking sexual expression beyond the limits of traditional marriage are discovering more venues than ever to explore their wild side. Many have come to the realization that once observed, the standard relationship model that we were all raised to accept as singular truth hasn't served us very well. The monogamy myth has been openly brought into question. Frankly, it's astounding that it took this long.
For years married couples have been conflicted between the acknowledged, monogamous marital standard and their natural inclinations. The short-lived euphoria couples experience throughout their courtship, and on their wedding day more often than not succumbs to the inevitability of infidelity. While many believe at the time that they will be able to endure a lifetime of monogamy, the unfortunate reality is most people are simply not meant to be so. Over time, the pattern has been that the frustration over denying one's impulses will surely seek expression elsewhere. The abysmal divorce rate, in addition to the emotional dissociation that many couples endure throughout wedlock is evidence of this.
Certainly it's easy to see how this condition came to exist. Much of American culture is built around the monogamy standard, if not the ideal that love will conquer all. Certainly our mainstream media, be it television, movies, LiteFM or daytime talk is saturated with romantic notions of two people getting married, and living happily ever after. It rarely happens. The reality is that the nature of relationships, and moreover, conjugal sex has become a punch line in America. Despite the astigmatic presumptions many people make before they wed, they soon discover that a lifetime existing with only one set of shared genetalia is not all that it was cracked up to be. Sex with your spouse tends to be fantastic...for the first few months. After that, well there is always cable TV and Internet porn. Many seek their vicarious thrills elsewhere. Hardy har har.
To make matters worse, the fear of having to suffer the judgmental indignation of sex-o-phobic conservatives who would impose an antiquated set of marital values has frequently kept married couples from resolving this conflict. The dread of communicating one's desires to their spouse because they fear a self-help inspired moral reprisal has commonly prevented candor about sexuality. This inherent inner conflict between sexual perception and reality has helped create some stifled, hate filled married folks walking around our suburban malls. Many express the frustration over not orgasming as they have always envisioned through sanctimonious wrath. Many Americans, who have become angry over their inability to maintain an emotional connection with their spouse, let alone acknowledge their own failures at intimacy, ignore the reality of what's in front of them and focus their negative energies on those who practice a different marital standard than they do. When couples who engage in secular lifestyles are "outed" to their friends and neighbors, they have often been met with scorn and ridicule. Many have been released from their jobs, or become social outcasts, and have been forced to relocate their residences. The commonly held belief is that people should engage in traditional monogamy, without using any whips, chains leather, toys, or rubber shrink tubing and major household appliances. Any variation from that standard is to be considered socially deviant...regardless of the results.
Oddly enough, mainstream society seems to apply a different moral standard to couples who DO NOT practice negotiated non-monogamy, yet stray outside the confines of their relationship both physically and emotionally. It would seem that marital indiscretion is more easily forgiven, if not tolerated provided that one makes an attempt at a pretense of monogamy. Couples who mediate their extra marital copulation rarely experience the same level of altruism, rather they must often suffer the inequity of those who perceive themselves as being the bearers of a moral standard that amounts to nothing more than a falsehood accepted without question as conventional wisdom. This is due to generations of conditioning. The hypocrisy of this dynamic is staggering, and further proves that the motivation behind those who would denounce people leading secular lifestyles is hardly about the morality they claim it is. Rather it would appear more that misery loves company.
Women in particular have been made to suffer the indignity of self-righteous sex-o-phobes due to the moral double standard that still exists in this country. As in other countries, many of which cannot boast the human rights standards that we claim here in the United States, women have been made to bear the burden of guilt for sexuality. When an empowered woman chooses to engage in conjugation however frequently, and in whatever manner she desires, mainstream Americana will brand her as a "slut", or a whore. There is no male equivalent for that. Often those doing the labeling are other women expressing petty jealousy over their own unfulfilling sex lives under the guise of moral righteousness.
Some people are fighting back against this insanity though, and many have become more inclined to openly express their proclivities, rather than capitulate to the angst of the orgasm-less masses. Having had enough of apologizing to holier than thou suburbanites devoted to a matrimonial standard that rarely works, and to the intolerant proletariat who would attack any lifestyle than dares fall outside of their myopic comfort zones, many in secular lifestyles have chosen to stand up and proudly proclaim their kink. Many more, and in particular, those who engage in negotiated non monogamy have come to acknowledge that women should have the same liberty to express their libidos as men, and in doing so, they are more easily accepting of possibilities they have yet to explore.
This is what makes this rebirth of sexuality among people in committed relationships all the more vital to the state of mental health of married people everywhere. It would seem that for many, sensibility is winning out over blind devotion. People have begun questioning conventional wisdom in order to avoid compromising their lives. They are becoming less likely to remain in a marital purgatory; rather they are beginning to seek what other options are out there. Many have come to realize that marriage shouldn't mean the end of sex, or even the type of adult oriented fun that they shared before taking their vows. No longer are married couples so easily willing to settle for the vapid co-habitation their parents endured. These are regular married couples, many of which have children and mortgages but who are beginning to explore aspects of their sexuality that would have been unthinkable just a few years ago.
The city of Las Vegas might consider its main commodity to be gambling, but make no mistake...people go there in the numbers they do because it is the one place in the country where people can escape their otherwise boring lives and act as they would love to act every day in suburbia, but can't for fear of moralistic reprisal. Millions of people go to Vegas not simply to wager their earnings, but to be in an environment that is conducive to adult expression. In fact, the city even markets itself according to this paradigm... "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas". It is the one place in the country where people do not have to deny their quintessential selves. They dress suggestively; flirt with intent, and party as long as they can hold out. If you have an ethical problem with cleavage, Vegas might not be the best vacation spot for you.
But as people's frustrations over the conflicted nature of relationships increases, the need to let off steam needs to be brought closer to home. Not everyone in search of escape has the means to get themselves to Nevada. Almost every major city has now become host to at least one annual event that centers on new and different ways to become intimate, fornicate, or simply get your freak on. Whether it be a Swingers party, a Fetish Ball, or perhaps even a Polyamourous retreat... Schoolteachers, CPA's, and other upright community leaders from across the country frequent these types of events so they can work their mojo, if not to simply release the pressure of their everyday lives. Nowhere is this more evident that at the Exotic Erotic Expo & Ball which occurs annually in San Francisco.
Every year around Halloween time an adult oriented carnival occurring over a weekend and culminating in a huge Saturday night Ball caters to an interesting mixture of lifestyles. Otherwise "normal" husbands and wives dress in their most provocative (if not outrageous) outfits and are able to party uninhibited until the sun comes up without having to endure the moral scrutiny of their neighbors. Billing itself as "The World's #1, Wildest Sexiest Party", the Exotic Erotic Ball is the type of event that married, mainstream couples look forward to attending once a year so they can let it all hang out. Literally.
The recent Swingfest convention located on Florida's Atlantic Coast proved to be another terrific pressure valve whereby multitudes of lascivious, sex-positive eroti-philes were able to escape the doldrums of their otherwise circumscribed lives, and explore the boundaries of their libidos. Literally thousands of couples, many of whom were merely curious as to what the limits of their comfort ability might be, chose to attend a weekend soiree' wrought with sex workers, adult film stars, and other average everyday suburban couples whose lifestyle allow them to engage in extra marital fornication. "I am bringing my husband here for our anniversary," said a 20-something little hottie named Stacey. "I am not exactly sure what to expect."
Neither did anyone else, in fact, as this was the folks at Swingfest's first ever convention. However, not knowing what to expect is the reason so many people are choosing to attend events like this in the first place. Although the immediate association one makes with Swingfest is that it is strictly a swingers convention, the truth is that what made the event overflow from the over 990 room beachfront Westin Diplomat Resort into two neighboring hotels was that it's appeal was to a much larger group of sexual enthusiasts. "What Swingfest was about was to bring different communities together" said Jason Jean, owner of the event, "We set out to throw the world's largest Swinger's party, but without excluding other communities".
Indeed they did. If Jean was the quarterback of his team, then it was event coordinator Greg Freeman who carried the ball. Together they managed to throw quite a 3-day bash. "It's great to be able to have this much fun working," quipped Freeman, "It all pays off when you see this many people having a blast." Despite their humility, this was no small undertaking. The unique feature behind Swingfest seemed to be that nobody was apparently excluded from the adult oriented fun. Provided they weren't there to discuss their crab grass, every attendee seemed to have an outlet to explore whatever it was they were looking to experience, regardless of their experience attending these types of events. Although the core attendees were in fact people who engaged in negotiated non-monogamy, there was a large contingent present that were there to learn, seek out what their prospects were, or even dabble in inter- relationship carnal knowledge for the first time.
In fact, just as with the Exotic Erotic Expo, one doesn't need to have a lifestyle beyond traditional monogamy to be able to enjoy booth surfing at the Swingfest expo. Whether shopping for erotic art, clothing, sex toys, or even having the opportunity to meet industry related entertainers, these adult oriented marketplaces are great ways to initiate couples into a world beyond backyard barbeques and office holiday parties. Walking through a suggestively charged expo floor has a way of heightening one's sense of sexuality. Also for the novice attendee, Swingfest offered several seminars to help along couples that may have either felt overwhelmed, or who just needed a better understanding of specific aspects of secular marital lifestyles.
Even for the veteran swinger there were opportunities to prospect and delve into things that they might have yet to experience. But make no mistake, the allure of Swingfest was the wild parties, and the potential for couples to meet one another and engage in extra marital copulation. During the day the beach and the two more than ample sized pools were more than able to accommodate the massive amount of sexually expressive people who were there mingle with purpose. By the time the nighttime festivities rolled around, those who were there to do what swingers do were a mere elevator ride away from experiencing the excitement of having intercourse with people who they had recently met. While the sheer volume of swingers in attendance was impressive, it was the mood created by Jean, Freeman & Co. that permitted their clientele to comfortably enjoy themselves, and perhaps more importantly, each other. "We were able to meet our numbers", Jean modestly denotes, "But we are confident that we can build upon what we've already accomplished"
However it was a combination of good timing, better marketing and competent staffing that helped make Swingfest's inaugural event such a raving success. Getting positive press from Jay Leno who offered a nice plug for the event on the Tonight Show, being acknowledged as a major news item by Bill O'Reilly, or even receiving a flattering feature on the front page of the Miami herald were all PR home runs. Jean and company seemed to recognize the slow moving trend away from traditional marriage and that Swingfest would actually benefit from mainstream media coverage. Getting coverage on Playboy Radio, VH-1 and the Howard Stern show certainly didn't hurt either.
But there is a growing phenomenon that centers on committed couples looking to expand their matrimonial horizon. People are becoming tired of the failures of institutionalized marriage. Perhaps without having the knowledge of what possibilities may be available to them, they do realize this much; the existing plan isn't working. When one considers how accommodating Swingfest was to its paying customers, along with the present movement away from prescriptive matrimony, their business model looks like a winner. "It was intended to be a one stop shop" added Jean in reference to how the event was designed. Addressing the need of couples searching for something different in what stands to be a growing market is, if nothing else, terrific business.
I am an Author and Speaker. My recent book Unlearn! Because Life Can Make You Stupid! is a kick in the groin to the Self-Help Industry. Without any sugarcoating, I confront societal normalcy, political correctness and perceived morality in a blistering attack on today's American Culture. Whether you choose to agree or disagree, Unlearn! will open your mind to an alternative world of possibilities.
I am available for various media including television, radio, and print. The only conditions are that nothing is either scripted or contrived. I also offer live seminars on a variety of subjects having to do with love, marriage, monogamy and the pursuit of happiness. Talks may vary according to the event. Although the verbiage and content are of an adult nature, and the subject matter is taken seriously, it is delivered with my unique style of caustic witticism.
